Jeffw's Blog

Get OUT of my pub!


Just joking, WELCOME! Here, you'll find some short fiction stories, anecdotes and my possible grumpy opinion on pretty much everything and anything. As you didn't in the slightest asked for it and because I can be magnanimous, I'll try to wrap it all in a clever cocktail of sarcastic witticism and stylish dark humour of the latest fashion, under the icy sophistication of which, you'll discern my true cry of despair to witness our world going to pot... or maybe it's just something I ate.
Don't hesitate to leave a comment! Thanks you, come again.

Caution MAY CONTAIN STRONG LANGUAGE AND HAZARDOUS PUNCTUATION... and with a bit of luck, some English too.


Monday 15 July 2013

The eye was in the tomb...

A few years back, I did a JK Rowling.
I challenged myself to write a stereotypical über-macho testosterone filled male oriented adventure/noire/gangster/action/”what-ever-else-I-could-cram-in-there” short story.
The experience was somehow liberating.
I exulted at the opportunity to write what was basically literary “shite” and I had excessive fun doing it.
Here's the result.


The Heli's Bar.
All that had been needed was a typo on a cheap sign and the name had stuck. The owner immediately became Jake 'Heli' McCunning and the artist had never painted another sign again... not with the number of hands he had left he hadn't. True to say that failing to have any charm, the bar had a reputation, beyond good or bad. It was the kind of place where no-one liked questions nor the people who asked them. You didn't even ask what was in the burgers... And if you often walked out with blood on your boots, you just had to be glad it wasn't your own and that you were still standing.

Jay walked into the dive with his natural swagger, as always, his slim silhouette outlined for a brief second in the doorway by the sun – still high – of the Nevada desert.
As he approached the counter, you could see his lean muscles playing under his black T-shirt, his biceps pulling on the seams of his leather jacket. His tight jeans, black and worn out, left nothing to the imagination either, sun and bad weather had given them the appearance and texture of a second skin. The few females in there hooked their eyes on him, captivated by his animal magnetism, his raw sensuality. They could all recognize a real man when they saw one, and you couldn't have manlier than Jay.

The room was already full of the regulars ugly faces. Somewhere, a Joke-Box bellowed the chords of the original Highway to Hell (1979,of a time before Bon Scott had drowned in alcohol...). “Fitting...”, briefly thought Jay, a nasty smile on his lips. He leaned on the counter, his every move calculated with a fighters precision, a well-oiled machine... of the blunt type.
Jay found the barman under the gaudy neon lights that covered the back wall. A new face which blended into the background. He was shaped like a beer keg, a fact that his moth-eaten old Harley T-shirt was struggling to hide, and his arms covered in tattoos, apparently drawn by a retarded kid who couldn't colour 'in the lines' yet. His beard would have made a Wookie blubber and he was missing two fingers on his left hand. Gambling debts, or a very clumsy mechanic.” guessed Jay.
- “ Single malt whisky.”, he growled.
- “And leave the bottle.” he added, dropping a folded $100 bill between the puddles of beer of the counter.
The barman complied without a word.
The burn of the first sip of alcohol immediately began to dissolve the dust of the journey in his dry throat.
He was turning is back to the room, contrary to his habit, his enemies were more the type to come from behind. But here, the huge dirt caked mirror above the counter gave him a good view of the rest of the bar. His own reflection returned his piercing steel blue gaze and his square face, weather-beaten by a life on the road. He could probably do with a shave.
- “The face Marlon Brando would have wanted.” Jay joked to himself, when he saw him. Cain.

The moron did not even try to hide. He was sitting right in the middle, under the light, three-quarter turned in relation to Jay, to face the door. He must have missed Jay's entrance, busy lighting one of his cheap cigarettes... Bad habit, smoking. He was drinking a generic European beer, he always thought it was classy.
Cain. Brute by habit and sadistic by taste. Cain, contract killer.
- “From the famous comedy double act Abdel and Cain...” Jay muttered, not taking his eyes off him.

 
A while back, a small time Mafia boss – may he rest with the crabs – had found it funny to pair them together. Abdel Benkhalem, an Algerian thug, favouring oriental techniques and scalpel blades, and that young nameless brick shithouse. It was 17 years ago. They had quickly been nicknamed Abdel and Cain ; it got a laugh, but never for very long in their presence. And he just took the new name, without understanding nor flinching. The last time Jay had met Abdel, he had made sure that his fucking scalpels had been the last thing he saw, from very up close... If Cain bore any grudge over his partner's death, he was professional enough not to show it. So if he was here for him tonight, it meant that Jay had a contract on his head. But who?
The Chianti¹ brothers? Alvarez and his gang? Or even that good old Nic, as a last posthumous present?

Jay could see the bulge in Cain's jacket, indicating the presence of his famous Beretta 92F, a souvenir from the army. He must also have his stupid Rambo knife at his ankle, complete with compass and matches. It always made people laugh, until they realized that it was still a 9 inches steel blade that this maniac kept sharp enough to cut a hair in half, lengthwise.
Suddenly, Cain turned his head.
As soon as their eyes met, everything went very fast. Quick as a flash, Jay threw the whisky bottle with precision and seemed to chase after it. Cain was forced to raise the hand that was already going towards his weapon to protect his head. The projectile exploded on his forearm. This move was sufficient for Jay to cover the five meters that separated them. In one motion, he turned the table over and grabbed the glass ashtray, which he smashed in the killer's face. Taking advantage of the surprise, Jay caught the still half-raised right arm, and jammed it violently behind Cain's neck, crushing his windpipe with his own biceps. There was a brief status quo whilst the brute started to slowly suffocate, Jay's knee on his chest not helping at all. With the speed of the cobra, Jay's left hand intercepted Cain's, who was trying to reach for the knife at his ankle. A sharp twist of the wrist was greeted by a satisfying crack. Cain couldn't suppress a grunt, while the pain distorted his face. A strong downward jolt finished the move, pushing the knife through its sheath and Cain's though thick boot, pinning his left foot to the dirty floor...

Maintaining his iron grip, Jay asked in his ear:
- “Who sent you?”
His eyes half-rolled back and bulging in his puffed face already purple, Cain still managed to spit out, half-smiling:
- "I saw some light...
- Bad luck. It's lights out for you.” Jay uttered as a judgement, tightening his hold.


When he heard the click of a shotgun being cocked, Jay reacted in a tenth of a second, his legendary survival instinct taking over, and he leaped, vaulting over Cain while grabbing his gun. Buckshots hit Cain's chest in a wet and limp noise of cold meat. He had already stopped breathing. At cover behind the massive corpse of his enemy, it only took one shot for Jay to shoot the barman dead, a 9mm bullet in the middle of the forehead. After a moment's hesitation, he collapsed like 130kg of soaked leather behind his counter.

Jay had to go back to the city.
He could leave things as they were. The customers of the Heli's didn't like changes to their routine, especially not made by law enforcement. A few hours later, the bodies would find themselves far away in the desert where even the vultures won't attract attention, or under 50 tons of rock at the nearby quarry. He only hoped that someone would think to clean the blood and the brain & bone mix off of the mirror ...
He had a lot of questions which required a lot of answers.
Just after starting his bike with a powerful kick, he had one last thought for Cain, in the purr of his trusty V-twin ...
- “I wonder what was his real name...?”
He pushed the throttle and the machine sprang into the sunset, on the dusty road.
- "Maybe Keith. He looked like a Keith. "


~ The End


¹ Alfonso and Federico Giacometti, two drug baronets that had transformed Daddy's wine company into a thriving heroin and cocaine import-export specialist. To the sound of 100g per bottle, the wicker and wine rendering the bags invisible and undetectable – even by the dogs – that gave an excess of over one kilo of pure dope per crate.. After their last deal, Jay had left richer of one briefcase of bank notes and the brothers were left with three warehouses in flames. These are things that could be begrudged.

Monday 8 July 2013

Ignorantus Travelicum


   This was written almost seven years ago and is all true.
It was brought back to my mind by a recent conversation I had with a friend, of which the conclusion was: “I would more gladly excuse profound stupidity than ignorance, as, if you choose to do so, ignorance is curable.”



I have a new best friend. She makes me laugh!
I don't even know her name...

I met her yesterday when I was going to enquire about the different means at my disposal to, from the country of the Lambs and Leeks, go to say hello to the “vahines”. I'll explain: For our honeymoon trip, I would like to take my beloved to Bora-Bora but, as it isn't a very popular destination from the British Isles, even with the Tinterweb, I struggled to find any clear information.
Therefore, with a nonchalant gait, I never the less drove – it's about 10 miles away! – to the closest Agency for Travelling.
It was when I was pushing the door of the humble store of the second biggest British purveyor of exotic scented dreams – my muscles bulging under the light material of my little blue summer dress, the one I like to wear on Thursdays, the one with the very cute print there – that I saw her for the first time.

To say that she looked average would be to pay her a compliment. Her forties come and gone, she had a face wrinkled by the expression of eternal surprise of the simpleton, with tired hair sporting a do that could have been fashionable back in the 80s, in the region of Holdrege (Nebraska), and two long and scrawny arms. Despite this, she was radiating experience behind her small orange counter, which is an effect relatively easy to achieve when you are the eldest of twenty years of any of your colleague and have a pale complexion, perfect to reflect the orange colour. So, I was walking towards the ugly woman (at that moment of the story, she's not yet my friend) when she spoke to me along this line:
“Hello, can I help you?”
… I understand your surprise, I too was astonished.
She had said 'hello'! In the United-Kingdom?! The proverbial Albion wouldn't be as perfidious as one might think?

Sorry. Let's start again.

Her: “Hello, can I help you?
Me: Hello, and you most certainly can. I would like to go to French Polynesia, departing from here, or from London, which ever is simpler. Could you find the information for me please?
Her: er... like we may have a problem here, because, as for us, we don't do them, the train bookings.

Me: Even better! The French Polynesia is situated in the South Pacific and I was favouring the idea of taking a plane.
Her: Oh sorry, I thought you said “Pyrenees”.
Me: No, Polynesia.
Her: Not the Pyrenees then?
Me: No.
Her: Gosh.
Me: Quite.”
I was starting to like her a lot, that lady. I carried on with the usual platitudes of this kind of conversation, with a renewed interest and a gently amused curiosity. Where exactly? Bora-Bora. How many people? Two. When? In six months time.
And we resumed our verbal tango:
Her: “Like, I can't find any international airport in Bora-Bora me...
Me: It's normal, there isn't one. The closest is in Tahiti.
Her: Well... Like I can't find any either... I know, I'm going to call the people of the planes.”
Then she told me that it might take a while and that if I had something else to do in town, I could maybe pop in later... What?! Our newly born and fragile friendship just blossomed that she was already rejecting me? With a torn heart and a heavy soul, I got up from my seat, ready to return to the street and its anonymity, where no-one would make me laugh for at least five minutes.
I suddenly pulled myself together.
Was this a way to treat an 'almost' friend? No.
I had to have faith in her professionalism and trust her expertise. Yes. I will comeback later. And yes, this woman will have all the answers. The cost, the flights, the dates, why you should never put the milk before the boiling water, the hotel, all of it!
I took advantage of my free time to sneak in a nearby similar agency where I found all the answers I needed (but not the milk/hot water one) in five minutes. Then, after a few purchases, as I couldn't stand it any longer, I went back to see my friend who I already missed.
Her: “Ah! I couldn't speak to the people of the planes but I have some information for you.
Me: Wonderful.
Her: So, for the flight, it should cost £1056.64.
Me: But that's fantastic!
Her: Isn't it just? I thought that too.
Me: Per person?
Her: No no, for the both of you.”
What a surprise! The nearest quote I got was of £1500 per person. What a bargain? I knew that this woman was gifted!
Me: “This is really amazing!
Her: But be careful though, this is just the price for the flight from London-Heathrow to Haïti like.
Me: ...
Me: You mean Tahiti?”
And then, with the most imperturbable smile and without any trace of embarrassment, she replied:
“Why? Is there a difference?”

After the brief explanation that “yes, there was a little one, like: they're not in the same ocean/sea", I assured her to return very soon in her small shop, to enjoy her amicable company again.
Then, I left, smuggish, feeling at ease in my own skin and comfortable in my knowledge of geography.

I think I'll go back tomorrow.
I tell you, she is my new best friend.
She makes me laugh!

Monday 1 July 2013

Well, yes. Yes, I like Coldplay.



If you think you have found a fan-blog about Coldplay, think again.
If after those second thoughts, you still think this is a fan-blog dedicated to the British pop-rock band Coldplay, well, no. Sorry, you're wrong. But don't worry, it happens to the best. Not that I would try to flatter you in such a blatant way, it happens to the mediocre too...

A while back ago, or probably yesterday, if you're a Dave viewer, Noel Fielding, of the excellent Mighty Boosh fame, declared in a memorable episode of Never Mind The Buzzcock... Oh come now, there are some, like the one with the fantastic under-cover funny guy Josh Groban (@joshgroban) or that one with Doppy(not his real name), from that band thingy, with his comedy hat, you know? Who's apparently not only half as stupid as he looks*... anyway.

In that episode of @NMTB_TV, Mr Fielding was relating the anecdote of when he told “I hate Coldplay” to the manager of the band, who replied “Oh yeah, I heard it was cool to hate them lately”, he then retorted “No no, I'm not trying to be cool. I really hate Coldplay”.
Well, this, Ladies and Gentlemen, got me thinking, which is hardly a surprise coming from a guy who has to think hard upon existential questions like 'tea or coffee?', 'pudding or cheese?', 'Am I left or right handed?'

At first, I thought “Well, Mr Fielding is...”

Sorry, I have to stop for a moment here. I can't carry on calling him Mr Fielding. I sound like a man-servant or the prosecutor in a Court of Justice, which is not the purpose of this piece. Nor Noel either, it makes me sound like his chum, like I know him or even worse, like I have delusion of knowing the man! Ah, grammatical and etiquette conundrum rolled into one. I guess his full name will have to do. Bear with me...

... I naturally thought that Noel Fielding was of course untitled to Noel Fielding's own opinion and who was I to begrudge Noel Fielding on what Noel Fielding could like or not. Noel Fielding is one of the most creative and unique mind of this televisual age and Noel Fielding can bloody hate what Noel Fielding bloody wants! Oh, how I love Noel Fielding!_ er... (too much? Probably too much).
Never the less, Noel Fielding not trying to be cool is a thought defying the imagination...

BUT – and I like big buts, I cannot lie – what really got me thinking is the other bit, the bit about cool hatred of something fashionable.

Why is there that communal idea that if something is remotely popular it is obviously shit? Did we all become hipsters?
This concept is as ludicrous as ideas along the same line of: “If it's light entertainment it can not be clever” or: “if nobody thinks like me, I'm obviously right”.
Most people think it a bad idea to cross the motorway on foot and no lunatic would probably live long enough to prove anyone other wise...

If you're starting to think like this, that your opinion uniqueness is in itself the obvious proof of its undeniable veracity, it's a very slippery slop my friend.

Bear in mind that, globally, there is fewer racist people than non-racist (that I would probably just naturally call 'normal' people), that creationism is not the commonly admitted norm and that Jedward's fans are still a tiny minority; are those people right because they are fewer? Well, hasn't God created white, blond and light-brained perfect Irish twins in less than seven days?!
Hasn't He/She/It/None Of The Above?

In short, next time you judge that something is 'shit' solely based on its popularity – be it Harry Potter books or films, football, Justin Bieber, Game of Thrones, Twitter, Apple's product or, for that matter, Microsoft's rubbish(this list is non-exhaustive and doesn't reflect my taste) – especially if you use the reason: “Everyone says it's great/good, but I prefer to make my own mind up” whilst really meaning “... therefore it must be shit because I have individual taste, me, you know”, you're doing exactly the opposite of what you're preaching and are behaving like a teenager, and not even a clever one.

Yes. I like Coldplay.
Last night, I've realised that I appreciated Mumford & Sons too.
Millions of people might not be that wrong after all... even if it is a bit bland. So are millions of people. A bit. And so, in all likelihood, am I.

In conclusion, it is of course a matter of taste, but ultimately, don't think too much of your self-perceived uniqueness. Cultivate it, cherish it, yes, but remember that that idea of “uniqueness” is not the thing that makes you unique. This is the most common trait of all: We're all different.



* Fact confirmed beyond any doubt by an article I read lately, in Closer or something... I know, I should be more careful about my readings but, in my defence, there was nothing else to read in the surgery waiting room and I'd brought only that one magazine.



~ After re-reading those few lines, I have now no idea of what exactly was my point... Originally, I wanted to speak about my age and my inability to find jeans that fit. It didn't go that way.
Until next time

Heart-Break



~ Three days ago I received a call from the school. My little boy had broken his arm on the playground. It turned out to be a rather nasty business, with surgery, 24 hour in hospital, etc... but he's fine now and very proud of his red cast.
However, the feelings that this call had awaken were somehow deeper and more complicated.
It reminded me of this old text below.
It's my worst translation to date, for which I apologise, but I still wanted to share this with you.
It happened a little over seven years ago and this is what I felt at the time.
All is true... ~





She is resting next door now. She fell asleep peacefully front of an old Audrey Hepburn film, her favourites. I can hear her breathing, regular and light, and it is good.

I still have flashbacks. Images which come to me, of the kind that keep you awake at night, that haunt you whenever you leave your mind wandering in the wrong direction. Images that send a long cold shiver down your spine, hollow out your guts, eat your life away. I'm ashamed to admit that those visions have nothing to do with war or famine, there are no children dying in my mind... only her. She's there, lying on the floor, still. A tiny drop of blood pearling at the corner of her lips. A small red puddle has already formed on the pavement and my heart forever stopping.

My darling, my love, my life... My Geinor has had an accident this weekend. 
 
There are a few things that I understand better now. Most of them are literary expressions, like sick with fear or knots in the guts, the others are more difficult to explain... certainties which somehow became suddenly even clearer, like: "Shit. I couldn't survive her."

I've experienced the most excruciating minute of my life, followed by the ten most intolerable.

When I turn around to see her there, on the ground, inert, almost at my feet, the realisation is almost immediate. I don't have time to laugh about it that my mind already registers the off-key details: an arm with a slightly odd angle, a sudden pallor – for fuck sake why is she not moving? – and of course the blood. The blood that fills her mouth, that drips from her nose, drop by drop, for fucking Christ WHY is she not moving?! My retina can only see red, this horrible viscous colour which has nothing to do out here. I can even feel its metallic taste in my mouth. Time stops. Everything becomes of a precision like white-hot iron branding my memory of the burn of the deepest anxiety imaginable.
Everything turns into a confusion of primal chaos, in a blur that has nothing of artistic, which smears all the sharpest details.
That big moron who tripped her, like that, just for fun, what colour was his t-shirt?... Yellow? Green?... This seagull cry piercing the sudden silence, tearing my soul, will I ever forget it? Why doesn't it shut the fuck up that stupid bird?! Down here, my world's falling apart.
 
Everyone rushes, nobody talks, except the idiot babbling unintelligible excuses like: “it was just a joke...” I can't even bring myself to be angry with that twat, she is alive and I thought I'd lost her, I don't care, he is nothing to me... and at that precise moment he's just a remote satellite in my reality.

She has no reaction... oh good lord. My knowledge of first aid flies away, my insides go hollow, my eyes overflow. Her mouth is open, there is blood everywhere now ; her eyes are open too, glassy, distant ... she's gone. She has the face of Death. I can't stand my crying any longer, my heart in my throat is about to explode. How horrible is that obscene and uncontrollable selfishness of those times of unbearable pain? I don't want to live without you.
God, don't leave me alone. Stay with me, me, ME...



They always speak of a panic wave. It's stupid. A panic tsunami overwhelms me, I'm shaking, my stomach is but one huge cramp, I am a torrent of tears. I vaguely hear that someone called an ambulance, I think... I stroke her hair, holding her head. Someone is trying to calm me down. He takes care of her too, he tells me that it's going to be al'right, those silly little words that we always repeat in such circumstances, void of sense, hollow. Everything is hollow without her... I don't even know if she's breathing? I don't any more. I don't know if her heart is still beating? Mine has stopped.
Ten intolerable minutes. We talk to her constantly now. Ten interminable minutes...
Her eyes close and then open slowly. After a little while, she regains a bit consciousness, says her name, pronounces mine. A landslide of relief almost crushes me with happiness. Nothing can stop my tears any more. And finally the ambulance arrives.
 
She walks to the door, I support her. At the hospital, they make me wait in an anonymous room where the tired seats have probably never seen better days, just the time to examine her. The apprehension suffocates me.
We fill in the few compulsory forms common to all the hospitals in the world and after two or three hours, I drive her to her mums, close to our home.
She's still in shock, we need to monitor her for the next two days, in case of trauma, but other than that, it's fine.
I'm still in shock, it will last more than two days I think, but other than that, it's fine. She is alive.




Whilst organising our wedding,
we re-contact many friends who we have more or less lost sight of. It had been three days that one of them was trying to contact us. So I take advantage of Geinor getting some sleep front of the fire to call her on her mobile. She is an actress, has a lot of talent, my age and I like her a lot.
"- Hello sweetie.
- Oh Jeffw! So how is it going in your
whales country?
- Well, it could be better. Geinor just had an accident, we just returned from the hospital. I was very scared...
- Shit... Nothing serious?
- No. No, it should be fine. Thanks.
- So... nobody told you then?...
- No, what? "
And then she tells me that a year ago to the day, on the 20
th of May, her beloved Maxim, the man of her life, had a serious car crash... I'm speechless.

He died on a first of June. Yet, it was such a nice day that day...